feinstone.com
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake
baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater
until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all
of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man
those
ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."
Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it little friend.